5 posts tagged “pain”

i'm wandering this now foreign road to your heart, a road i used to know better...no, wholly. trying to remember, trying to recall my way there. out of sheer curiosity, i guess...or some sick fascination i might have with train wrecks. either way, you've changed so many things around...shit's intimidating. each step i take, it feels as if you're gonna come out of nowhere like some mad vengeful entity and punish me for even having the nerve to proceed. these dark beastly trees along the road are so threatening...and these skies i once marveled over with delight are no longer blue, no longer soulful. i look at them now and they're off black, storm-ridden, pained...and this realization immediately saddens me more than you know because i know it's a reflection of how you feel about me, and i can't get my emotions back together fast enough before you rush to scrutinize my flaw in agility. your bitterness is alive and real, and i get it; i know i could've tried to rectify this rift ages ago...but believe me when i say i'm sorry, mainly for turning you into someone afraid to admit you still have a heart, forbidding access to it even...because you don't want anyone else discovering you have more love to give, for fear of them doing damage too. you let me in just long enough to see the damage i've done, just long enough for me to feel some kinda guilt. you tell me i caused pain, drove it deep into you like a stake...coldly, precisely. to be real, i thought you were trying to kill me. i wanted to get you first. but i'm aware i killed other things in the process...beauty, TRUST, symmetry - all victims of my misguided selfishness. i destroyed these things, and i can't rebuild. there is no resurrecting the dead that is us, and that's the way it's supposed to be. certain kinds of hurt in this world are meant to be left alone, and you accept that and move on..

i'm in a creative rut right now.

pain is one of my biggest muses. my pen tends to snub poetical brilliance when shit is peachy. it's like, if my mind isn't in "maniacal machine" mode, force-feeding me my own crazy, emotional thoughts, it misses the torture...'cause happy can get awkward. i'm not what most would call a masochist, but i do need some dirty wicked inspiration, like some fucked-up semblance of love to enter my life momentarily so i can write beautifully haunting poems about how i let people into my gargantuam-sized heart just long enough to caress my skin and whisper pretty lies that'll later turn to salt to punish my bleeding ears - some shit like that. (but yo, am i not the queen of run-on sentences?!) yeah, baby, i got issues, and i appreciate them; love-hate relationship type shit. sometimes i think i'm borderline emo, sans the look, but i still welcome and dig pretty things. i'm a walking paradox, as we all are in some shape or form. and just for the record, good love can inspire me too.

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i love the rain. no, like i really love the rain. i miss spring. summer's cool, but it's not one of my favorite seasons. i love spring because it represents transition. sunny days with hints of cloudiness, cool rain-kissed air, thunderstorms coupled with the elongated murmur of tires sliding against wet cement...yum. the sight/smell/sound of spring. i want it again, right now...almost in a lustful way. see, nature is one of my biggest muses too.

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my new kicks came today...super skate adidas. they're so fly...i wanna show them off asap, but not as much as i'm gonna wanna show off my fafi kicks when they come. holler! check fafi out. apparently, she's the new hotness, but i've been up on her for a while now. *snicker*

that's it for now, kiddos. my back is killing me slowly.

in this nocturnal hour, i am overcome with emotion, and it is fueled by an indignant passion...one that turns sadness to vengefulness and vengefulness to beastliness, and love, this is why i need my space. i don't want to hurt you like you've hurt me...but while i'm feeling all of this - almost simultaneously - i am comforted by a merciful inkling of love and empathy from another source, subtly, very slowly mitigating the chaos within. it's nice to know someone else cares, yo. i need the balance like the sky needs the moon and the sun. but really, i hope my dreams elude all this melancholy tonight.

i'm fascinated by heartbutchers, cold apathetic people who just don't give a fuck. when i feel myself loving too much and too hard, i wanna go find the emotionless black pit they comfortably live in, wanna trip over broken rainbows and land in that deep dark hole with them...and i vividly envision myself falling with a thud, knocked unconscious for a while, at least until whoever i'm loving too much and too hard at the time forgets my name, and i wake up with amnesia, forgetting theirs...and their eyes and their scent and their pretty tattoos and bruises, so when we pass each other in the streets, our faces are just unimportant blurs. i'm fascinated by heartbutchers because they all seem to have the ingenious magic eraser. sometimes i really want that shit...the convenience of oblivion, for it to swallow me when i'm hopelessly desperate for love's reciprocity because i hate being the only one who feels. fuck my heart and its pseudo-gypsy big love blood.