love confession #6 - hello, goodbye (for good)
i'm wandering this now foreign road to your heart, a road i used to know better...no, wholly. trying to remember, trying to recall my way there. out of sheer curiosity, i guess...or some sick fascination i might have with train wrecks. either way, you've changed so many things around...shit's intimidating. each step i take, it feels as if you're gonna come out of nowhere like some mad vengeful entity and punish me for even having the nerve to proceed. these dark beastly trees along the road are so threatening...and these skies i once marveled over with delight are no longer blue, no longer soulful. i look at them now and they're off black, storm-ridden, pained...and this realization immediately saddens me more than you know because i know it's a reflection of how you feel about me, and i can't get my emotions back together fast enough before you rush to scrutinize my flaw in agility. your bitterness is alive and real, and i get it; i know i could've tried to rectify this rift ages ago...but believe me when i say i'm sorry, mainly for turning you into someone afraid to admit you still have a heart, forbidding access to it even...because you don't want anyone else discovering you have more love to give, for fear of them doing damage too. you let me in just long enough to see the damage i've done, just long enough for me to feel some kinda guilt. you tell me i caused pain, drove it deep into you like a stake...coldly, precisely. to be real, i thought you were trying to kill me. i wanted to get you first. but i'm aware i killed other things in the process...beauty, TRUST, symmetry - all victims of my misguided selfishness. i destroyed these things, and i can't rebuild. there is no resurrecting the dead that is us, and that's the way it's supposed to be. certain kinds of hurt in this world are meant to be left alone, and you accept that and move on..
Comments
A hit dog will holla,
Bycha Buxton
My hurt
hmmm, this is too poignant to me. (you always do this, you always manage to write stuff that makes me feel like you know something you shouldn't know, like you see things you shouldn't see)
Sometimes, bitterness, anger and hatred need to be unleashed in order to heal.. but when the person who inspired those emotions isn't around to feel it, then those emotions fester and turn into wrath and rage and cold heartedness...
Brilliant piece!.
soul...thank you, love, and you're oh so right...those last few lines you wrote. real spit. i understand the hurt of being the only one who feels something, be it love, hate, anger, etc....that's why it was best for me to just leave him alone forever. bitterness ages with you.
You and I must be in the same lunar cycle love, because I've had pen ready in hand, and hands steady on the keys ready to release the same thoughts today. Thank you for putting my thoughts and emotions down for me without even realizing that you had. Beautiful synchronicity. :-)
Blessings to releasing illusion!
I can't take back the pain I have caused in my relationship, but I am trying. I react out of anger when I should not. I should speak up when I object to something at that moment , not later when there is resentment on top of anger. I want to be a good man, but it is work.
tre...thanks, ma. sometimes i feel overly exposed, but fuck it, i like to share because someone else may be going through the same thing and reading my words may comfort them in some way.
todd..."It's sick how little ass things and problems left to fester can become this inoperable emotional cancers." real spit right there. and wow, thank you so much. please keep writing and releasing. it's vital to our sanity.
paul...i love reading your stuff because you are very honest with yourself. as long as you stay true to what you feel, i believe you'll work everything else out in due time.
Hello Beauty, My energy like yours has been struggling, strained and just out right wanting to bitch slap folks, but I am writing again as I hope that you are too. Always in my thoughts. Happy holidays beloved.
Smooches!
Nkiru